Love in the modern age is no walk in the park. Even when you’re sure you’ve been friend-zoned, a Buzzfeed quiz goes and tells you that you were right to think it was more than platonic. She may not realize it, but the fact that you follow her on every form of social media says more about how you feel than your last awkward, in-person interaction.
Fortunately for you, I’ve made some Valentines to help you navigate these new and uncomfortable feelings. You can purchase them on my Etsy account. Below I’ve provided a little more information for the rational-minded consumer. You’re welcome.
This particular Valentine is for all of those (including myself) who ignorantly but whole-heartedly believe that Buzzfeed knows us better than anyone. After all, what defines us more than an online quiz system that churns out five generic identities to account for everyone ever? Look, I’m not immune to it. I’m just bitter about the time it told me I was more basic than hipster. Buy here.
Sometimes you want to make a romantic sentiment, and in the modern age the best way to do that is to say that your significant other is not your phone. So you get this crazy idea to leave your phone at home when you go out, but then you don’t know how to get to that cool restaurant you heard about. Something about turning left behind an alley and going down through an underground tunnel? That can’t be right. Let’s just go to Olive Garden again. I’m not even going to say I’m going to try something new; you know me better than that. The chicken alfredo, please. Buy here.
You met in college when Facebook was the thing. You wanted to tell him or her that they meant just a little bit more than your typical Facebook friend. So one day, you followed him/her on Twitter. Then along came Instagram. A few double-taps here, a few double-taps there. Next thing you know you’re sending selfies on Snapchat and even link up professionally on LinkedIn. Who knows where it could go next? GoodReads? UrbanSpoon? Can you even be friends on UrbanSpoon? I don’t know, man. I don’t write the rules. Buy here.
Or maybe you’re not ready to take that next leap to all social media platforms. I mean, it’s a bit forward, don’t you think? I completely agree. You’re at the beginning of your social media relationship. Ease off the throttle, champ. Perhaps it’s best to stick to an unbroken and unprecedented streak of liking all of their pics on Instagram… including their gratuitous pictures of food that are unworthy of posting. That’s neither here nor there. Buy here.
A few of you haven’t even met your Valentine yet. Here’s what you know: every Saturday she studies for her Master’s level classes at the coffeeshop by your apartment. She is there at 1 p.m. every Saturday, except for the day she had a flat tire and was an hour late. She typically leaves the coffeeshop at approximately 6 p.m. (where is she always running off to? who has that many plans in consecutive weeks?), but not before drinking three Mocha Frappes (which you know to be her favorite) and scarfing down a blueberry scone during the 30-minute lull in studying around 4:37 p.m. when she takes a thousand and one Buzzfeed quizzes. Wait, how did you learn all of this? You haven’t met her yet? Creepy, dude. Introduce yourself or find a different coffeeshop. It’s really not okay. Buy here.
Another launching board for your soon-to-be-budding relationship with the girl who frequents your favorite coffeeshop is this romantic sentiment. Almost everyone is looking for the place where the drinks are hot and the WiFi is free. But how many of us are looking for a love that lasts longer than the 2-hour WiFi limit? What’s the deal with that limit anyway? Isn’t it totally arbitrary? Do you think I’m really going to nurse one drink for 2 hours and not buy anything else? What kind of guy do you take me for? Okay, that was one time, and the latte was super hot; I had to let it cool. If I didn’t know any better, I might think you were trying to burn my tongue on purpose. You know what, forget it. I was trying to support locally-owned businesses, but it looks like Starbucks has prevailed again. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, the girl. She’ll love this one. Buy here.
Some of you are already in relationships, and kudos to you, you showoffs. Why don’t you rub it in a little bit more? While we’re bitterly chiding your cutesy couple’s selfies, you’re out going on the coolest dates, saying the cheesiest things, and wondering if and when it will all spiral out of control and come crashing down around you. (Someone seems to be projecting.) ANYWAY, that song just came on the radio by (a) John Legend, (b) Ed Sheeran, (c) OneDirection, or (d) Taylor Swift, in which they sing about (a) how you were made for each other, (b) that vaguely hard time you went through together that basically sealed the deal on your relationship, (c) that unspecified thing he/she does that makes you swoon, or (d) an absurd and unhealthy promise to give more of yourself to them than is humanly possible. Is there anything that reminds you of your significant other more than that song by that artist with that message that says that one thing that had to be written about the two of you? It’s not for me to say. I have no dog in the fight. Buy here.
One of the best ways to tell someone you care is to bring back an old form of communication that is extremely easy and make it seem like a way more difficult project than it is. Instead of texting your feelings, you’re going to put it on something more permanent, like a letter. It’s too bad your ancestors aren’t here to tell you how to write one. It’s too bad schools don’t teach handwriting anymore. This kind of looks shoddy. Oh well. How does she spell her last name again? The closest post office is 6 miles away?! It costs how much to send one letter? Geez, this really isn’t worth it after all. Maybe just give her a pre-made card that isn’t specific to any one person. That’s really special. Hey, here’s one.
And finally, for those of you who are comfortable in your relationship and the most honest about what life really boils down to, here is an accurate portrayal of what will happen all across America on Valentine’s Day. The new season of House of Cards will be on Netflix, and everyone–single and betrothed–will be staring at their screens. What a unifying experience we will all partake in together, but separately, in our own homes, far away from each other, and please don’t text me on that day. I’ll be knee-deep in Valentine’s chocolates I bought myself. Buy here.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “Wow, these are all so accurate and so funny! I want them all! It’s too bad I can’t buy them all and save a little money in the process!” First of all, easy with the exclamation points. We get it! Second of all, I read your mind and made them available as a bundle.
Good luck out there, champ.